Coping with Infertility: 5 Steps to Acceptance

The denial stage is the state of shock you go into when you first realize that you are struggling with infertility. At this point, you and your spouse cannot fathom the idea of not having a child biologically. As a result, you may not allow yourselves to process your feelings of loss, and you may continue to pursue the same methods of family-building believing, in spite of what medical professionals may say, that it will eventually work.

An individual in the denial phase simply does not want to believe that this could be happening to their family. Dealing with infertility grief is not even on this person’s radar, because they won’t accept that they’re struggling with it.

Throughout the grief and loss process, individuals are often angry because of their infertility struggles. Not knowing how to deal with infertility can be maddening, and infertility anger can manifest itself in many ways — including fear, jealousy, envy, guilt, resentment or shame.

Sometimes an individual’s emotions can be misdirected at their own body or even their spouse when dealing with infertility. It’s normal to have these feelings, but it’s important that you remember to express them in healthy ways. Lashing out at your partner or punishing yourself will not help anyone on the road to overcoming infertility.

Some individuals grieving infertility do anything they possibly can think of in an attempt to “cure” their infertility. This may include attempting infertility treatments multiple times, eating certain foods, changing their lifestyles, praying over and over again, and even beginning the adoption process because they believe it will help them get pregnant.

It’s understandable. Sometimes we feel that if we could just do one more thing, surely what we want will come to us. However, it’s very important that a couple not pursue adoption unless they plan on fully devoting themselves to the process.

Couples living with infertility often struggle with intense feelings of sadness and even depression. Many couples feel not just emotional pain but also physical pain during the sadness stage. They may have low energy and physical complaints.

This might seem alarming, but these feelings are actually an important step in coping with infertility grief — they signal that the couple is moving in a healthy way past the loss. However, it’s important to keep an eye on this. If you begin to feel you are experiencing feelings of depression, please seek help from a medical provider immediately.

If you are experiencing serious feelings of depression or thoughts of self-harm, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline immediately at 1-800-273-8255.

Whether you are actively dealing with male infertility, female infertility or unexplained infertility, reaching a place of acceptance may seem impossible. But when a couple acknowledges their feelings and moves through the stages of grief and loss, accepting infertility is possible. However long it takes, it is possible to eventually move from the feelings of denial, anger and sadness associated with infertility to hope and excitement for the future.

However, surviving infertility and reaching a place of acceptance isn’t about simply “getting over” infertility. You will likely always have some complicated feelings about this time in your life. But, once you reach the acceptance stage, these feelings will no longer consume you. You will begin to see alternative family-building options like surrogacy and adoption not as a solution to your infertility, but as a solution to become parents — just as having a child biologically is a solution to become parents.